Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize
