my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
