i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
