my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
