I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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