First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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