Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
