Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
