so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
it hurts more in the daytime
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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