I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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