my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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