You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
