My liver just broke up with me...
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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