I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
