That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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