I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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