If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
