Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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