Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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