He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize