Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Randomize
