you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Damn victory sex feels great
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
