you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
