the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
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