Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
