you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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