I wish I could punch you in the face.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
