And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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