I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
