I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
