She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
