feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
our cab driver is having phone sex.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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