I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize