my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
okay pat passed out under dana's car
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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