I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
