Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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