Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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