I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
FUCK WHALES
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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