Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
