My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
