I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Less talking, more tequila
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
