Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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