I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
