So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize