she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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