she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
