You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
