I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
