3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
