So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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