and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Sorry my hands just texted you
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
