im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Someone shattered a urinal.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
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