Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
