Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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