i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize
