meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
