so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
