so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
That was an excessively violent trivia night
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
