I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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