I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
